Donald Hefeweizen Saves The World (pt.2)

Jessica wasn’t actually from Dallas. Where she was from was Hell. Which, in reality, is a lot like Dallas – hot, congested, polluted, and filled with bad drivers and women with fake bleach-blonde hair, fake nails, and fake boobs.

And that’s why she liked to live there. It felt a lot like home, but was far enough away that her dad couldn’t drop by unannounced. Much.

No one knew who her dad was. Well . . . everyone knew who her dad was, but they liked to pretend he didn’t exist. So did she.

He was the reason she moved to Dallas and became a stock broker. Only, she was the worst stock broker ever to sit in an ergonomic chair at a carved cherry-wood desk. And today, she was about to be fired.

It was turning out to be the worst Thursday of her life. That morning, she had lost some poor sap his entire life savings, a whopping seven million dollars, while simultaneously losing the company nearly as much. No one was quite sure how that had happened. They generally blamed Jessica. And the devil.

They were right.

Her father, THE DEVIL, was trying to convince his wayward daughter to move home and take over the family business. He had arranged for her to be fired from her job, foreclosed on her house, and repossessed of her car.

What he didn’t know about was Donald Hefeweizen, HR Director. And he didn’t know that his well laid plans were about to be quashed. By an ugly man with a lazy right eye. And a pimple on his chin.

“Ah, Ms. Michaellson. Please have a seat. I have good news! You’ve been promoted!”

. . . to be continued.

(c) Copyright 2008 Jennifer J. Knighton

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Donald Hefeweizen Saves The World

Donald is not an attractive man. He’s not even plain. In fact, he’s downright ugly. From his pasty white thighs to his lazy right eye – everything about him is ugly.

And that makes him extraordinary. And brave.

One would have to be brave to walk around looking like that. With a nose like that.

It wasn’t just his appearance that was extraordinary. Donald could see The OtherWorld.

At least, that’s what he called it. The OtherWorld. Capital letters. Bold print. Understrike.

THE OTHERWORLD

Ghosts, demons, pixies, fairies. Everything that one can imagine, and a lot that one can’t. And he didn’t even need to be inebriated. He could see THE OTHERWORLD when he was completely sober. THAT was the scary part.

Well, that and his amazing ugliness.

Our story starts on an ordinary Thursday – usually a happy day as it’s almost the end of the work week. Our Donald was working at his ugly job. (Again, everything about this man was ugly. Everything. Including his job.)

Anyway . . . Donald was sitting in his ergonomic office chair, at his carved cherry-wood desk, behind a sign marked “DONALD HEFEWEIZEN, HR DIRECTOR.” He was preparing a Non-Compete Agreement for some poor sap who was about to be fired. After they had signed the document.

That was when the most beautiful creature on the planet knocked on his office door.

He immediately decided to fire someone else.

Her name was Jessica Michaellson. She was long and lean. A “tall glass of water,” as his grandmother would say. Everything perfect and beautiful in the universe.

Except her voice.

“What? Are you gonna fire me or what?” she bellowed in a nasal, squeaky voice. She might have been from Jersey. She said she was from Dallas.

. . . to be continued.

(c) Copyright 2008 Jennifer J. Knighton

Gettin’ Lucky

If a black cat crosses your path, it’s seven years bad luck. But what happens if a black bunny rabbit crosses your path. In downtown Yakima, Washington. And you stop traffic for it. And people honk. Is that like twenty-one years good luck? Maybe?

And if the bunny makes it safely across the street . . . obviously, he gets into the bunny Hell’s Angels, but does he also get some good luck?

Maybe seven years of safe street-crossings. Yeah, that sounds right.

It’s Groundhog Day

Phil Says Six More Weeks of Winter!

Phil’s official forecast as read 2/2/08 at sunrise at Gobbler’s Knob:

Here Ye! Here Ye! Here Ye!

On Gobbler’s Knob on this fabulous Groundhog Day, February 2nd, 2008
Punxsutawney Phil, the Seer of Seers, Prognosticator of all Prognosticators,
Rose to the call of President Bill Cooper and greeted his handlers, Ben Hughes and John Griffiths.

After casting a weathered eye toward thousands of his faithful followers,
Phil consulted with President Cooper and directed him to the appropriate scroll, which proclaimed:

“As I look around me, a bright sky I see, and a shadow beside me.
Six more weeks of winter it will be!”

Appalling

In a normal week, I spend 3-4 nights eating alone in hotel restaurants. I don’t mind this so much because I usually have an entertaining book to accompany me to dinner. And tonight was no exception. EXCEPT that my fictional friends could not distract me from the loud voice of a stranger in the next booth. Here is what I learned about her:

She’s short and stocky with big calves. She has two sons, one of which is applying to college. Her husband of nearly 20 years is a college football coach. She’s a 38DD, and she buys all her lingerie at Frederick’s of Hollywood. She has a nipple piercing which she got on a night of drunken debauchery with 3 friends. She has had several affairs, and her husband knows about a couple of them. Her parents have always made her feel insecure and self-conscious about her weight. She is constantly compared to her “perfect” sisters. She loves her job, but dislikes most of her colleagues, who all think she’s sleeping with someone else from her office. And to top it all off, she was having dinner with a married man (not her husband) who is more than 20 years her senior. And all this information was gleaned from her answers to his questions. Wonder what he was up to.

Needless to say, I didn’t get very far in my book. And I had my server rush the ticket, so I could get the heck out of there.

I’m still shocked and appalled by what I overheard. And I wish I hadn’t heard any of it. But that loud, grating voice. Gah!

What is this world coming to?!?!?!

Side note: I am having a truly exceptional hair day. It did everything right, even in the wind. Totally makes up for the crazy diner.