Note to self: Completely cover your little finger tips when putting food in the oven. Avoid touching the 375 degree surfaces with any part of your hand. Realize that ibuprofen will offer absolutely no relief to a second degree burn. Keep the cold compress cold. Try not to cry.

Update: Do you know how many times a day you use your right pinky finger? Every second of every moment spent on the computer. Try not to cry.

Freak. Me. Out.

Last night, Handsome and I went to dinner.

Afterward, we climbed into our car to head home, naturally. I slid behind the seat, and put the key in the ignition. That’s when I saw it.

A small bleached skull. And our windshield. Looking inward.

“What is that?!?!?! Get it off!!!!”

“Oh. Looks like a skull. What do you think it is?”

*blink* insert freak out here

“I think it’s an opossum. Or maybe a raccoon.”

“Or maybe, we should GET IT OFF OUR CAR!!!!”

And he did.

Handsome. My hero.


LOS ANGELES — Dr Pepper is making good on its promise of free soda now that the release of Guns N’ Roses’ “Chinese Democracy” is a reality.

The soft-drink maker said in March that it would give a free soda to everyone in America if the album dropped in 2008. “Chinese Democracy,” infamously delayed since recording began in 1994, goes on sale Sunday.

“We never thought this day would come,” Tony Jacobs, Dr Pepper’s vice president of marketing, said in a statement. “But now that it’s here, all we can say is: The Dr Pepper’s on us.”

Beginning Sunday at 12:01 a.m., coupons for a free 20-ounce soda will be available for 24 hours on Dr Pepper’s Web site. They’ll be honored until Feb. 28.

Dr Pepper is owned by Dr Pepper Snapple Group, Inc.

Source: Fox News

It’s Not a Tumor, part two

Last week on “It’s Not a Tumor” . . .

Jennifer: “I get these nose bleeds. For hours.”
Dr.: “Looks like the silver-nitrate won’t work for you. We’re going to have to electrically cauterize these suckers.”
And that’s when Dr. Nosey walks in with the giant instruments of electrical torture. With a big fat smile on his face.

So, Dr. Nosey sits on his little, rolling stool, and turns on the wieldy device. It hummed. So did the doctor.

Dr.: “Ok, so this is how it works. I’ll insert this little cauterizing tool into your nostril. When I say ‘breathe,’ you breathe OUT. We’ll repeat the process until all those bloody vessels are closed up. Ok? Ok. Let’s do this thing.”
J: *whimpers, wipes nose, whimpers some more* Ooookaaay.

And it begins.

Dr.: “Breathe.” bzzt “Good!” pause “Breathe.” bzzt “Good!” pause “Breathe.”


J: “OW!” deep breath “EW!” gag. twice “You just shocked me!”
Dr.: “Whoopsie!”
J: “Whoopsie?!?! That hurt! And now I’m bleeding. Again!”
Dr.: “Sorry about that. It’s just, I didn’t expect the nose hair to be able to carry a current. I mean, they’ve been just burning off up till now.”
J: “Ack! That’s what that smell is? Burning hair?!?!”
Dr.: “Well, yeah. That and the burning flesh.”
J: gag. again
Dr.: “Shall we continue?”
J: blink

Hours later. Well, ok, it was maybe ten excruciating minutes.

Dr.: “All right, we’re done. The nurse will be back to pack your nose, and then you can be on your way.”
J: “You mean, the torture is over?”
Dr.: “Yes. Except for the cotton packing.” smile

In she walks with a years supply of cotton balls and gauze.

Nurse: “This’ll only take a minute.”
J: “Oh good. I’m late for work.”
N: Lays out her “implements” and giggles “Late for work? Oh, I think you’ll want to go home and rest a bit, don’t you?”
J: “Well, I might want to, but I really do have to work.”
N: “Suit yourself. Ok, here we go.”

That’s when she shoved all two pounds of gauze and cotton up my right nostril. Not one scrap of tissue remained on her tray.

J: “How did you manage that?!?!”
N: “Oh, I’ve been stuffing noses for year. You really can fit a LOT of stuff up there.”
J: *shudder*
N: “Ok, you’re all set. Let’s get you checked out and on your way.”

Thirty minutes later, walking into the office.

J: “Guys, I’m here.”
Manager: *snort* “What happened to you?”
J: “I told you yesterday I had a doctor’s appointment this morning.”
Mgr.: “Yeah, but you didn’t say they’d make you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger.”
J: “Right. That’s it. I’m going home!”
Mgr.: *bigger snort*
J: “It’s not a tumor!”

The end.

What Not To Do

Today’s quote of the day was inspired by the very long day of meetings and presentations we poor sales people must occasionally endure. And the teeth-grinding insipidity began at 9 AM, when the morning’s first presenter quoted himself and included said self-quote on a slide. With attribution. And a date some 20+ years ago. And then he read it to us.

So. A few thoughts . . .

Lesson #1: Do NOT read your slides. Unless, in very rare instances, where the quote is so unbelievably poignant that not to read it would be a travesty. Maybe. Consider that every person in the audience also knows how to read. We like to think we’re smart.

Lesson #2: Do NOT quote yourself. There are thousands upon thousands of brilliant quotes out there on the internets. Find one that makes your point better than you do. It’ll make us think you’re smart.

Lesson #3: Read Presentation Zen and/or study the presentations of our leader. Improving your performance (and not boring us to death) will make us think you’re really smart.

Lesson #4: Consider emailing us your presentation and instead open a two-way conversation or tell some stories. Then, we won’t grind our teeth next time you’re in town. And we’ll all feel pretty smart.